Get through the day

This sad mantra has actually worked for more over the couple of days.  Surprisingly, it didn't cause me to focus on the future.  I wasn't only concerned with just surviving.  Okay, I take that back.  That's exactly what I was concentrating on, just surviving.  My problem, if you haven't figured it out, is that I worry too much about what people think of me.  One of my favourite moments in life occured when I was a lifeguard and forced to save a young man who'd sunk to the bottom of the swimming pool after suffering a minor epileptic fit.  A couple of kids were supposed ot be looking out for him however, apparently at this particular moment, they hadn't.  He was picked from the bottom by a patron whose girlfriend had kicked him with her foot.  The pool was very crowded at the time and the summer sun was reflecting off the water making visibility very poor.  I told the man to bring the boy over to the edge of the pool where I immediately began artificial respiration.  He looked dead and I thought my efforts would be fruitless.  As soon as I had cleared his passageway and was getting air to his lungs his lips became warm.  I asked one of the other guards to take over however neither would.  All told, it was about ten, fifteen, twenty minutes until the ambulance arrived.  I couldn't tell how long a period of time had transpired because I was completely in the moment.  Afterwards, I realized that I had rarely had so much fun.  At no time during the emergency had I thought of myself or what others thought of me.  I was just getting through the day. 

Passing the time

Today, I tried just passing the time in my classes.  I would not care so much about what happened in the classroom as whether or not it was sufficiently entertaining and engaging enough for the students to behave while imprisoned within those four walls.  This does not mean merely turning on a movie and telling everyone to sit back and enjoy.  Neither does it involve giving them worksheets which they must do or else.  It does involve a little discipline, a little lecture, a little razzle dazzle, a little undirected chat but it must all take place within the confines of those four walls while students sit obediently in desks getting up only to sharpen a pencil and leaving the room only with permission.  

The Effeminate tried

Well, I tried it.  I tried the effeminate and it worked . . .  at the beginning like all the mind games I've played with myself to relieve the boredom and stress of work.  When it was working, for a couple of days, the students responded very well to my increased use of facial expressions.  I would be sincerely interested in whatever nonsense they wished to communicate to me or their class-mates.  My increased use of hands was also evident, at least to me.  I was very expressive.  And the kids responded.  They liked it.  It helped win the students over.  They seemed to feel more comfortable with the effeminate or maybe it was just me feeling more comfortable playing a part. 

A new persona

I was hating the new school year.  Try as I might, I wasn't having fun.  I had two very large non-academic Grade 12 classes, English and Social and I had huge feelings of dread every morning before work.  Then I got to thinking.  All the guys like me have pretty much gotten out of the profession and if they're still in it, few are reaching any positions of leadership.  These guys were once in vogue, quiet guys who wield a large stick tthey rarely use because they're communication skills are generally good.  That is, they listen.  My dad was one of the them as was my father-in-law.  The father-figure is just not in vogue.  It's been replaced replaced by the mother-figure.  To get ahead, men are generally one of two types,  very masculine or very femine.  Of course, with the feminization of the education, the largest number of administrative positions have been filled by women.  In our school district, both the assistant superintendent and the deputy assistant superintendent are female which on its own is neither good or bad but for me, it's bad.  I need a new persona.  I can't be the ass-hole gym teacher so the only alternative is feminization.  

Automatic flush toilets

We just got automatic flush toilets installed in the washrooms throughout the school.  I'm still getting used to them.  I've always been left standing watching the water swirl into oblivion with a wad of shitty toilet paper still in my hand.  It's not until recently that I've discovered the trick.  For men, we have to behave like women.  Unroll toilet paper before standing.  Have a wad in hand and then once standing, you're ready.  Just wipe and release.

I blame myself

I blame myself all the time, even for stuff over which I have absolutely no control.  It's a hazard in teaching and other jobs and everything else in life if the expectations of yourself don't match with the reality of your actions and their actions.  My problem is that not only do I think that I should be able control my own behaviour but I should also be able to predict and anticipate the actions of others.  In particular, I blame myself for not anticipating malicious competition that may be a fact of life in business or politics but which I had not expected to find in education.  I figured that because we all get paid the same no matter what we do or don't do on the job or in the way of extra-curricular, we'd all just relax and help each other out and behave like a team rather than a bunch of individuals and yet, irony wins out. It would seem that if people can't compete based on objective determiners such as income, sales, projects completed, votes, safety records then they must find some other method of demonstrating their superiority over the herd, something more personal and malicious like gossip and put-downs and subject area superiority. 

The trap

Unfortunately, all jobs can be traps.  After all, we must all earn a living, put a roof over our head, and feed ourselves and the family.  Then there's all the goodies that can be purchased with that money like the computer I'm using and the music I'm listening to and the ipod it's stored and the television I watch and, most importantly, the trips I take and have taken with my family to exotic locals all over the world.  That would never happen without my job.   I'm getting old, nearing retirement and if I were to pursue a different line of work, my pension would be gone.  I'd get the principle but all that other stuff that's supposed to maintain me in my old age and pay for more trips and more music and T.V. would be gone.  My school division isn't going to promote vertically or laterally 'cause . .  . well, I really don't know.  Trapped.